How Not to Be an Idiot on Online Dating Sites

The following are some posts I’d written on experiences on various dating sites when I started a few years ago.

Top 10 Most Boring Conversation Starters on OKCUPID:

in no particular order:

  1. hi
  2. hello
  3. hey
  4. want to chat

ok so I guess I only have four.

If someone diverges from this list, I usually will chat with them if I am bored at work or waiting for a file to process or something. If I’m really bored, sometimes I will attempt to engage them. The other night I had this chat with a 21 year old guy who was “attempting to break into modeling”

him: want to chat
me: sure, do you have a topic?
him: what are you doing (*he did NOT have a topic!!)
me: avoiding work. you?
him: looking for a hot women
me: for what
him: sex
me: wow, that’s a direct approach. How’s that working for you?
him: you tell me.
me: you could be a little more creative. How about: “nice profile, wanna fuck?”

He didn’t have anything after that. 🙂

Sometimes I’ll go off on non-sequitors like, “I like frogs” then usually they’ll reveal their true purpose, like a guy yesterday said, “i looking for love.” in which case I was sad because he obviously had never learned to use contractions. Also that he thought he thought he was going to find love chatting up strangers in rooms with boring conversations like that.

Since you asked, how to improve your profile

Since you all asked, here’s what I can suggest for improvements of profiles (none of this should be new to you):
P.S. although i am available for children’s parties, I’m not available for private review of profiles.

1. Have a picture.

  • Have a good picture, one close enough where I can see what you actually look like.
  • Make sure it’s a somewhat RECENT picture. Yes, you may have been a hottie 20 years ago, but unless you can give me a lift in a time machine to meet your young hotness, don’t put that picture up there. If you’re not happy with how you look, why not try to improve it instead of hiding it? Work out, tone up, get a haircut.
  • This is my own personal preference, but put in a pic that looks like you are enjoying life. SMILE! If you are miserable, why not spend time figuring out what will make you happy instead of looking for fulfillment in a relationship on here?

2. Have something in your profile.
More than just “I haven’t decided what to put in here.” Yes, it’s hard to describe yourself. Yes, it feels a little funny putting yourself OUT there. But it’s the same thing in the real world every day, isnt’ it? And the nice thing is here, you actually have time to THINK about what you’re going to say! So, put a little effort in.

3. As for what to put in the profile, I can’t help you there.
But be honest. If you ARE just looking for a “a good woman to settle down with,” and that’s your goal, say that. I’m sure there are plenty of women who would enjoy that too (although they might be over at match.com). But most of us are (at least mostly) happy in our lives, and looking for other people that enjoy the same things we do. The wonderful thing about the world is that there really is someone for everyone, whether that someone comes in the form of a friend or lover. If you put yourself honestly out there, hopefully people will respond in kind. But no one can respond if you don’t put something unique of yourself out there for someone to relate to. On the Internet, it’s all about personality. I know it’s easy to get too serious on here though. i’ve been told my profile doesn’t accurately reflect how funny i can be in person.

4. Don’t be TOO HONEST.
I am going to contradict myself a little bit here. As much as I believe in being honest, there’s also something to be said for a little bit of mystery in a person. There’s no need to spell out EVERY SONG YOU’VE EVER CRIED TO or EVERY SINGLE MOVIE YOU’VE EVER LOVED on the profile. Give me enough to get a taste of the kind of stuff you like. Give me bite sized chunks of you. If you get along with someone, all that stuff will happily be revealed to you over time, like peeling an onion, only without the crying.

5. Don’t talk about sex, unless you are a prostitute and it’s your occupation.
Yes, we know you guys like sex. Yes, we know you think about it all the time. Yes, we know you think you’re AWESOME at it. and maybe you are. But that’s something I’d like to find out for myself please. For the love of Pete, we don’t need to see it all over your profile! Think about it this way: the more you talk about it on here, the less you will likely get.

6. Don’t sound desperate.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen profiles in which the guy says, “I’m so lonely.” That is a sure way of NOT getting a reply. Unless there are some “I’m so lonely” gals out there that are responding. Also not appealing are the following answers to the question, “What are you doing on a typical Friday night?”

  • nothing
  • bored to tears
  • masturbating (yes I saw this on a profile once)

We’re all looking for companionship, or we wouldn’t be here. But no one wants to be with someone boring, except other boring people. If you are boring, why not spend time making yourself interesting? At worst, you’ll be able to have fun by yourself. At best, you’ll attract other interesting people.

Yes, there is a theme. I know I touched on natural selection in my last post, but I do think it’s true. Interesting people attract interesting people. If you aren’t attracting anyone, maybe it’s time to take an honest look at yourself to find out why. Interacting on here has taught me about stuff I need to improve in myself. We’re all here on this planet to learn, so why not do that? It’s all good. 🙂

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t

If you’re on a dating site, you have two options if someone messages you that you’re not interested in: don’t reply, or reply and say “not interested.”

I’ve tried both. In the past, if men had messaged me, and I wasn’t interested, I just didn’t write back. That got me called “rude” and a “bitch” a few times, so I thought, oh, maybe I’ll try writing back then and saying, “I’m flattered, but we’re not a good match.” Well that doesn’t work either. Some guys write back saying things like, “But you just have to get to KNOW me.” This is the kind of guy who has a second job as a stalker all lined up.

But recently I got the mother of all twisted rejection responses.
A dude wrote me and asked if I’d like to get a cup of coffee. This was totally out of the blue, I’d never so much as chatted with him or exchanged an email. I looked at his profile, and not finding much of resonance, emailed him with, “I’m flattered, but I don’t think we’re a good match.”
He wrote back with something like, “If you weren’t interested, you wouldn’t have written back at all. The fact that you’ve written back and said we’re not a good match leads me to believe you’d like to pursue a “friends with benefits” situation.”
Um…WTF???
I did the stupid thing and instead of blocking him, I wrote back and said, “In what twisted world would “no” mean, “I want you as a fuck buddy?” please don’t write me again, I won’t reply.”

But of course he DID write again, and shockingly, it said, “Do you have a few hours tomorrow, want to meet for coffee?”
So just so we’re clear, if I’m not interested, I won’t write back. If you bug me as to why I’m not replying, I still won’t write back.

REASONS I MAY NOT RESPOND TO YOU IF YOU MESSAGE ME

  • You’re WAY older than me and only comment on my looks in your message. That’s just kinda creepy.
  • You’re way YOUNG and only comment on my looks in your message. No, we older women don’t all want to bring young ‘uns under our sexual tutelage.
  • We don’t have much in common.
  • You mention God a lot in your profile. Or how good you are at sex.
  • Your user name is some permutation of a sexual slang, i.e. Ilike69 or cunninglinguist69 or cameltoeliquor (actual names I’ve seen on here)
  • You aren’t smiling in ANY of your pictures. if you can’t bother to smile in your online advertisement of yourself I’ll likely assume you’re either a serial killer or a grump who just sits at home and eats dried corned beef.
  • I’m just not interested for whatever reason.