I’ve been realizing in the past year that being brought up in the house of Ultimate Seriousness and Non-talking has really left me with stunted negotiation skills. And I really want to learn how to better communicate and negotiate with people, both in relationships and at work.
So who appears in my life? Eyal, a conflict resolution specialist who needs a website. We’re doing a barter arrangement: I build his site, and he’s teaching me what he knows about “having difficult conversations.” I am always pleased how the universe sends me people exactly when I need them.
The important thing isn’t bringing up the issues.
We all know the basics of bringing up “issues.” We’re supposed to state the issue or behavior, and how it affected us, using “I” language whenever possible and not accusing or blaming. I think most of us do an adequate, if sometimes clumsy job of bringing up issues (or maybe that’s just me).
But what if you bring up your problem, and the conversation doesn’t seem to be going the way you hoped?
Eyal says “Having a conversation almost NEVER get results the first time you bring it up.”
THIS WAS THE MOST EXCITING THING I HAD EVER HEARD.
Again, being from the house of non-communication, I had been trying to have difficult talks with people, and if after the first attempt they weren’t productive, I either got flustered (thinking I didn’t say it right or something) or just gave up, thinking it was futile. This has made me feel SO MUCH BETTER. Ok, then I need to ask…
So what are you supposed to do if things don’t go the way you hoped?
You have to practice RESILIENT LISTENING.
It takes a great deal of restraint to stay in that space and continue to speak without getting upset. If you can do that, that demonstrates your good faith.
Usually on first broach of a topic, someone might feel defensive. They don’t know what your intentions are. They might not trust you. But if you can stay present, stay understanding, stay resilient, stay in active listening, hopefully the other person will understand that you CAN be trusted, that they CAN drop their defenses, that you are not there to hurt them.
Some things you can say:
- If the person seems to be a little guarded, you can say things like: “My sense is that you don’t want to have this conversation,” or, “I can tell by your body language that you don’t want to have this conversation.”
- You can offer your willingness to try to “get” the other person. You can say things like:
- Can you help me understand why this is upsetting to you?
- I want to understand what is upsetting to you about this.
- Here’s what I understand. You’re are annoyed that we’re having this conversation.
- Ask them to tell you how you can have the conversation more effectively.
- How can I bring up the things I want to talk about in a way that you want to talk about them?
- How is it possible to get the thing I need addressed? Name your terms.
- Is there another time we can have this conversation? (That’s an invitation to collaborate)
This last one was news to me. I think I would have said:
- “WHEN can we have the conversation if you don’t want to have it now?”
However, Eyal says saying “when” is more commanding, not inviting. It seems a subtle difference to me, but explained that way it makes sense.
In this whole process Eyal says, the most important thing is to try to make the other person “feel felt.”
You want them to feel “Wow, they GET me.” If they feel that way, hopefully their defenses can then go down. You can have a dialogue with them.
You want to feel like, “I get you, even if you don’t get me (yet).”
Just in case you are feeling bad about your communication skills, Eyal says “EVERYBODY sucks at this.”
I’m looking forward to learning more about this delicate art.
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